Boundaries is a word that we hear being spoken of more frequently in society. It’s written in quotes on social media and refereed to at workplaces and in therapeutic setting. Yet, many are still unsure of what setting boundaries entails, and people’s comfort levels with setting boundaries varies from person to person.
Are boundaries rules, limits, barriers or what?
This is a question I that I hear often, which I think is a valid one. Most commonly, when talking about boundaries in general we would thing of either physical or agreed lines that separates spaces, such as the lot that your house is on, the walls of your home, the invisible lines that separates suburbs, countries and so forth. Most people think of boundaries as a form of separation.
On a personal level people often think on interpersonal boundaries as a set of “rules” that someone might set to govern how they behave and what they expect of others when interacting. For example, I often hear the perception that a person who has boundaries is someone who clearly keeps their professional relationships separate from their private one or the view that a person who easily shares personal experiences or cries in public would be considered less boundaried. This is however a matter of perception and there are many factors that influences how we set, or struggle to set, boundaries.
Healthy interpersonal boundaries
Ideally, interpersonal boundaries do not serve to separate us from others or the world around us in any way, instead they reflect the internal and external circumstances that we need to feel safe at any given time. Moreover, healthy boundaries are not fixed but grow, stretches and reshape as we change and get to know ourselves better.
What I mean is that when we set healthy boundaries, we are communicating to those around us that “this is the way I would like to be treated or interacted with because it makes me feel safe, cared for and respected”, and in doing so, we communicate to ourselves internally that “I am capable keeping myself safe, physically and emotionally, and I am worthy of being cared for and treated respectfully”.
As an example, consider a scenario in which I catch up with a friend for coffee and notice that throughout our time together, my friend answers every phone call and keeps responding to a constant flow of incoming messages, often seeming distracted and uninterested when I am speaking. After a while, I notice myself beginning to feel agitated and annoyed at my friend’s behaviour and I begin thinking that she is so self-centred and that I shouldn’t have bothered making time to catch up.
At this point, there are several options available to me:
1) I might just shrug it off and say, “it’s ok” every time she says “sorry, I gotta take this” and even defend her in my own head thinking that she has an important job and is super busy.
2) I could snap at her and tell her that she is selfish and rude and storm off, or
3) I can let my friend know that I have noticed that she seems distracted by her phone and that I am feeling disrespected, ignored and hurt. I can say that I would not like us to catch up unless she feels that she has the capacity to be present with me.
In the first option above, the boundary I am setting is communicating that “your behaviour is ok with me, my needs are adequately met, and I am happy for future encounters to be of similar nature”. In the second option, I am blaming my friend for my feelings, and I am judging her character. I am attempting to set a boundary, but I am attacking her instead of communicating that I am not feeling ok about what is happening between us in that encounter. In the third option, I am clearly and honestly expressing my reaction to her behaviour and letting her know that don’t feel good about what is happening between us. This is an example of setting a boundary in a way that simply lets my friend know what I need in order to feel good in our interactions. All three responses are equally valid if they align with the outcome that I ultimately want.
Why are boundaries important?
We are continuously communicating how we like, or don’t like, to be treated to those around us in various ways. When we learn to set healthy boundaries, we are making sure that the impression we give is what we actually want. Taking the above scenario, If I attempt to keep the peace by not communicating what I feel with my friend, I am giving her the impression that I am ok while I am feeling upset internally. I am setting a boundary that does not align with what I ultimately want or need from our friendship. Subsequently, it is very likely that I will over time grow resentful and react in various ways such as “blowing up”, retaliating, withdrawing etc.
In the second option above, I am aggressively communicating that my boundary is being violated which isn’t wrong in of itself, but over time, I may notice that I push people away, experience a lot of unresolved conflicts, may hear or notice that people around me fear my reactions or experience me as being prickly and risk becoming increasingly isolated.
Finally, the third response outlined above, I clearly express how I am feeling, my experience of the catch up with my friend and what I would like in the future, increasing the likelihood of getting my needs met in my relationship with my friend.
Setting clear boundaries does not guarantee that we get what we want and often requires willingness to negotiate as our values and needs my clash with someone else’s. However, it does allow us to get unstuck and free from repetitive relational patterns in life by shedding light on what it is that we are communicating with the world around us.
Recognising your current patterns in setting boundaries can be tricky as they are often developed early in life and can feel like a part of your overall character rather than a learnt habit. Even when we are aware of our boundaries, or lack thereof, learning to change those patterns can be difficult and often frightening.
Getting support from a counsellor can help you to become more aware of less obvious reasons for what drives the habits of how you approach boundaries. Working out what makes us feel safe and cared for is essential for happy and healthy interactions but that is only the first step. We then need to negotiate between our internal values, needs, expectations and capacity in order to set boundaries in a consistent way. This can be done safely with a counsellor who is experienced is supporting you in achieving desired changes in a safely.
If you would like to have a brief chat to see how I can help, please contact me here or email me on hello@yaldacassidy.com.au.
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